In 2002, the last time I remember seeing my husband Wern was when he made his nightly peanut butter sandwich and he passed me in the kitchen doorway smiling at me with the usual glint in his eye.
That night I woke up to Wern making "snoring" sounds, but it wasn't snoring and I ended up doing CPR at the instruction of the 911 operator. He stopped breathing and the paramedics took over on arrival and revived him enough to take him to the hospital. He died shortly after. He had had an enlarged heart.
My mother was of course devastated at first, but it wasn't long before she seemed to entirely forget that he had existed. In her dementia, her focus was on herself and how I looked after her.
Mom depended on me way too much. She kept telling me that I am her reason for living. I had my own life and responsibilities after losing my husband. Of course I would look after her until she dies, but it became a problem for my mental health.
I went away on a trip for some relief, and when I returned, she felt sorry for herself that I didn't look after her needs. I was using medication for depression, and I sometimes felt like giving up or wishing I was dead. My boss, Pastor Claude Pratte became my confidante, who prayed for me and encouraged me daily.
I gave up expecting any empathy about my loss until one day out of the blue when she asked me if it was okay if she prayed for another husband for me. I was touched, and said "yes."
It was a stressful year in 2003 when I cleared out all of our unneeded "stuff" and sold our beautiful house on Glenwood Crescent, which had been on the river. I bought another house nearby, and hired my cousin's husband as contractor to renovate. My brother-in-law Marvin and his team looked after painting all of the rooms to my colourful imagination.
The Lord is my comforter, I shall not be in want
He makes me to lie down in my green bedroom
He leads me to soak in my new hot tub
He guides me safely on the streets of Winnipeg for his names sake
Even though I’ve walked through the funeral home
on the death of my Wern
I will fear no evil, for your church and church staff are with me
Your spirit and son, they comfort me.
You prepare a bountiful life for me
in the presence of my anxieties
You anoint my head with oil,
my coffee cup overflows
surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life
And I will dwell at 44 Cobourg Ave for many happy years to come
It was that same year that I moved my mother to her new apartment which was a rented condo very close to our church. Once the move was complete, I thought that maybe I would have a short break from her thief stories.
The year ended well with a family trip to Hawaii. I took my mother and my children, and my sister and her husband met us there. Balm for the soul. It had been a dream of my mother's to travel to an exotic location for the very first time.
The painting featured is from a photo I took of my mother immediately after she asked me if her own mother was still alive, and I answered her with a "no."
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