“When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, 'It is finished,' and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit” (John 19:30) 

In my lifetime, I have been present as two of my loved ones passed away from this life. My kind and sweet mother-in-law Margarete Kliewer, and most recently, my beloved husband, Darrell Hall.

When both died, their eyes were lifted up as if they could see something beyond what we could see. I thought of this again as John 19:30 was quoted in my church's Good Friday service.

As a person who believes in heaven, I know in my heart that both Margarete and Darrell saw Jesus' face when they moved into the afterlife. It was a privilege to witness their passing.

I look forward to this for myself one day.

Reliving the Moments

 I was so glad that I took brief notes of each day of the last month of my husband's life. It allows me to read them, ponder them and remember a crucial time of my life. It also helps me to grieve.

On January 24th, 2023 we were told by the doctor at St. Boniface Hospital that Darrell had stage four pancreatic cancer which had already spread to lymph nodes, stomach and bones in the pelvic area, his arm and shoulder. He spent four tortuous nights under a bright light in the emergency department. The hospital was full. He lived for 34 more days.

Each day I read the notes, I remember what happened, see each face who visited, and can even smile at the sweet moments. It has been a year.

I remember  how self-conscious he was of his balding head. I loved his bald head and loved to stroke the soft hair left on top. He loved to drive, and didn't care for my driving skills, so on the last day when I was driving him to the hospital, his finger kept popping up to give me directions. I smile at that.

So on February 24th, a month later, he was gone. Fifteen beautiful years together, travelling and enjoying family and grandchildren. I celebrated what would have been our 16th anniversary at our favourite restaurant. I celebrated his 70th birthday the following year, and then my first Valentine's Day alone. Milestones.

But I feel God with me, and am reminded often of dear folks who are still praying for me. God is indeed good.

 My Aunt Dorothy Derksen died recently, and her funeral was at Chapel Lawn here in Winnipeg on Nov. 4th. That is the same cemetery where my husband was buried, eight months ago. My drive past his grave to the chapel set off a tsunami of grief, and the celebration of Dorothy's life was indeed emotional for me.

My aunt was very supportive of my marriage to Darrell, and she was a source of encouragement during our almost 16 year marriage. At her service, Dorothy's story was told, which reminded me of a story she had told me long ago.

In 1971, despite some major health issues, Dorothy found herself pregnant with her third child. Her doctor recommended an abortion at that time, to lessen the risk to her own life. She and my uncle George thought about it, but she had a dream, where she saw God holding an infant above some turbulent waters, in which bobbed the bodies of hundreds and thousands of dead babies. She felt that the dream was from God, and it helped her make the final decision to not have an abortion.

Today, her grown son Christopher is married to Lois, and they have two wonderful sons of their own.

Dorothy's dream inspired me to do a certain painting, which I called "Precious." My dear husband Darrell's hand was my model.

Painting Over

 Today was the six month date since the death of my beloved husband Darrell. I thought it might be quite an ordinary, sad day, but I was definitely mistaken.

My daughter was working late, so I was looking after my grandchildren, and we did an errand to help my son. On the way home we were going to stop and I would treat them to an ice cream. My granddaughter chose Dairy Queen, and I thought it interesting, as that had been the location of happy memories with Darrell when we first discussed marriage.

As we arrived at the store, rain started, and there were a few warning "pings" of hail on my windshield. We parked at the Dairy Queen just in time, and got inside the door as rain and hail started. The store has large windows on two sides, so we were able to observe the storm from different angles - close up and feeling very vulnerable.

It was like a hurricane, throwing leaves, branches and loose things through the air. The rain was very heavy and the hail was up to the size of a cherry. I was a bit worried about my car, but very thankful that the children and I were safe, along with the staff of the store and a family of customers. Soon the power was off in the store, and we all gazed in awe at the storm around us.

One minute we were safe and travelling along, and the next was a violent storm. One cannot help but draw analogies. My husband was healthy one moment, and within a short time he was gone.

When some paintings don't sell, or I tire of them, they get painted over. I put on a clean white layer of gesso. Some of the texture of the previous painting may remain, so that will need to be worked into the next painting design.

Here is a painting I did before my husband passed. It is one of those paintings that was painted over. It is called "Happy". The under painting will never be totally gone, and the texture works into the next. Life will never be the same, but happiness will indeed return some day.

 

Today I am proud of myself for figuring out how to reprogram my garage door opener. I tried following the instructions on the garage's overhead machine, with no success, so I tried "googling" it, and found my solution lickety split! That is what Darrell would always do. If he didn't know how to fix something, he looked it up on Google and was always able to fix anything. He was a smart guy!

It's a good thing that I was able to reprogram the door, so that I could go out to celebrate what would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. I had a delicious dinner at The Keg on the patio, where we had gone for our 15th anniversary and then spent the night at the Hotel Fort Garry. I almost made it through the meal without weeping, but at the end got sincere sympathy from my sweet waitress.

Thank you to so many people who still pray for me. I ran into an old friend on the Gateway bike path and was amazed to hear how she still prays for me. It keeps me going, and I am grateful.

 Day 32 of my Griefshare emails said, "You Can't Stay Here." It refers to the fact that one can't stay wallowing in grief, but must move forward in life. 

Philippians 3:14 says, "the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." That is who I depend upon day by day.

So I am moving forward. I enjoy my job with Steve Bell's ministry, so that's a given. I have also been asked to take a part in a Mennonite Theatre play called "Wherever You May Be," which will be shown in July in Steinbach, and then again in Winnipeg in the fall. I will be sure to notify anyone interested.

When my husband died, I had just completed the first phase of my autobiography, which would never have been done without the online seminar with Wilma Derksen, which is available on her website, wilmaderksen.com. I am continuing a second version of the autobiography to include many of my paintings, telling my life story illustrated by my art.

I am also painting a bit - one painting you see here, which is called "The Dream." It started with an inspiration that appeared in a dream and is finished as a unique abstract, and will be shown at The Cre8ery gallery in the fall.

I have rarely been successful in painting people I love. But I am showing a little portrait of Darrell here. It was hidden away for years, because I thought it didn't turn out, but Darrell himself found it and had it displayed on his office wall in his last months. What the portrait does show is his lovely smile of love as he looked at me. It also shows that it was painted with love. I will always cherish it.

 I do not like to visit graves, but Father's Day 2023 was a different occasion. I went to Wern Kliewer's grave first, as he was the father of my children, and grandfather to my precious grandchildren. It has been 21 years since his death.

Then I went to The Forks for a lunch experience that Darrell and I had frequently enjoyed together. We loved to order from Fergie's Fish & Chips, and then eat our food on the outside tables, enjoying the view of the dock and river. This chosen day was perfect weather for this. It is important for me to do things that Darrell and I used to enjoy together.

Next was my first visit to Darrell's grave. What an emotional moment. Last time I was there was for the burial, in a foot of snow. Now it is green and lush, and his marker is in place. Many others were visiting graves of the husbands, fathers and grandfathers in their lives.

I was blessed to be loved by two wonderful men, in two very different marriages. Now the marriages are over. The memories remain. The bodies of both men lie beneath the cold, hard ground.

Sometimes I ask, "why?" But then, so many other people never experience a happy marriage or any marriage at all. I can only be thankful for both. God has been so good to me.

I may struggle with loneliness, but my little white fur-ball certainly helps. She seems to listen to what I say and even talks back sometimes.